The Adventures of Sully: Episode 1- Burn Baby, Burn!

Ten hours. Ten hours till the show and I’m bored crazy. I’ve folded my socks, counted the flowers on the wallpaper in the bathroom and sang “100 Bottles of Nonalcoholic Beverage on the Wall” twice and I’m still bored. By now I’ve driven Tony absolutely stir crazy--all right, just crazy. What do you want from me! Go away! Keep away! Hee hee.

Now I’m jumping on the couch where Tony was asleep. That latte I had this morning has done me no justice! Whee! *boing!*

“Dude!” says Tony. “That’s it. No more caffeine for you, ever again.” I pout and flash Tony my sweetest, most innocent look.

“I’m bored,” I say to him. “What can I do?”

“Did you read over your lyrics in case you forget them?”

“Yes.”

“Did you meditate?”

“Until I was so enlightened I could power Los Angeles with my lightness.”

“Did you write a song about how bored you are?” I scowl.

“That would be the most boring song ever,” I snap. “Everyone would hate me.” I’m starting to get bitter. Being bored sucks!

“Have you talked to the media?”

“There are no reporters to be found!” I exclaim. To think about it, it was the damnedest thing. For once I didn’t see a reporter anywhere. I actually went looking for one and couldn’t find any. I sigh and flop on the couch. “I’m bored!” I whimper.

“Why don’t you take a walk?” Tony is frustrated with me by now. “Just get out of here and do something.” Tony laughs. “You have too much damn energy.”

“Fine, get rid of me,” I feign hurt. “I’ll go write a song about how much you hate me.” Tony laughs at me as I leave. Maybe the fresh air will calm me down. I hope. I walk out into the parking lot, once buzzing with people, now empty. What the hell? Something really messed up is going on here, and it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.

And that’s when I see it: something glimmering in the woods at the edge of the parking lot caught my eye. It almost seemed to beckon me toward it, to call out, “Sully--Sully--Hey dumbass! Get over here!” My curiosity is sparked and a smile crosses my face. Sweet! Can you say instant boredom killer? Dude, I could sit for hours looking at shiny stuff. So with this mindset I went toward this thing and when I finally got up close to it the whole town probably heard for miles what came out of my mouth next.

“HOLY SHIT!!!” I exclaim. “What the blue fuck is that?!” It was shiny, it was shimmery, and it was spinning! “Ooh. Pretty.” I poke it and my hand goes straight through it. Whatever it was seemed to just hang in the air. Wait, I saw this in a movie once. Holy shit, Watson, you’ve found a time warp! I smirk deviously. Heh. Wicked cool! I suppose I could just venture back for a while. What would it hurt? I step into the portal and for a second I’m just floating there. Hey wow! I’m flying! I’m flying! I’m--FALLING!! AHHHH! All of a sudden gravity kicks in and I’m falling through the dark. I feel sick. I feel like making that noise I made at the beginning of "Stress." Yeah, you know the one. *Huuuelllch!*

I keep falling till finally I see light. I break the portal and fall to earth like a 5’4 meteor in leather pants. Yes, ladies and germs, I have seen the light. And the landing you make after you see it sucks out loud. Right after I saw the bright white light--no, not *that* one!--I fall to the ground and land with a thud in a pile of hay. Huh? Where the fuck am I? I’m looking around like, oooook! Here I am in a strange world of people dressed funny, horses and carts, and some real crappy buildings. Peasants roam the streets and somewhere off to the side I hear some kid yelling “Hear ye, hear ye!” Oh, Sully, I think you’re not in Salem anymore!

“This is messed up,” I mutter as I lean back against a big wooden pole to brush myself off. Good thing this big wood pole is here in this straw so I have something to lean on. Phew! Do I smell kerosene? AHHH!!! It hits me like a Les Paul to the head. Straw? Wooden poles stuck in the ground? Kerosene? EEP! Maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Slowly I back off from the pole and look up. Holy mother of crap, this is a stake! You know, a stake, as in what they used to burn Witches on? You know, Witches as in me?! Yeah. Great. It's official, I’m screwed!!

All of a sudden I hear a huge uproar coming from behind. I turn to see what’s going on. Oh joy, here comes the welcome committee, otherwise known as a huge mob of angry people. And here I am dressed in all black with shiny vinyl pants these people have never seen. To them I must look like the devil. Maybe they’ll give me a break because I fell from the sky. Boy do I feel self-conscious. But I also feel like they can’t do anything to me. I have the upper hand. I’m the good guy, right? The crusader against evil, yup, that’s cute little old me! Allow me to curtsy! I’ve never denied what I am. Why start now? They can’t burn me. That’s just wrong, right? Ri-i-i-ight.

Here they are, marching toward me and by golly you can’t move me from this spot. I’m brave. I’m composed. I’m…seriously thinking about running for my life. But then I remember I must stand up for what I believe. I’ve done it all my life and now it was my decision to either stand and fight this angry mob alone, or to turn and run. Ironically, one of my own songs had now become my theme: I Stand Alone. This could get ugly. I brace myself and hack up my swallowed pride. It didn’t make a pretty noise. There I stood, ready to face the worst. And then they converged.

“You there!” There was one guy, one who looked to be a priest, who was the spokesman for the mob. “Who is thy father and from where comest thou?” What?

“What the hell did you just say?” I demand before I know what I’ve said. It just slipped out. Suddenly everyone is backing off gasping, holding up their crosses and murmuring in shock. Sweet.

“He speaks of Hell! He is Satan!” said one of the idiotic townspeople. I find myself thinking that modern people aren’t as educated as they’d like to think. After all, I’ve seen plenty of space age morons that act just like this! The priest nods.

“His apparel is of a glistening substance which I have never gazed upon. It could only be one of the devil’s fabricating.” I roll my eyes.

“You fucking idiot,” I snicker. “It’s just fake leather. Not like I sacrificed a cow to get my pants. See?” I hold up my leg for everyone to see. They all gasp again.

“Look how it shines in the sun! It is of evil!”

“Hearest you the manner in which it speaks? I’ve not heard such language. It must be the tongue of the demons of hell.”

“Hell,” I declare. “Hell shit damn fuck.”

“Listen to the devilish gibberish it speaks!” cries another idiot. This is hilarious!

“Quiet, quiet!” intervenes the priest. “We must keep order. Tell me, who are you and where do you come from?”

“My name’s Sully,” I say sweetly. “I’m from Boston. This place sucks.”

“Sully, are you a demon?”

“Are you drunk? Of course not!”

“Are you human?”

“Don’t I look human, Father Fuckstick?” I sigh and roll my eyes yet again. “Yes. I am.”

“Well if you’re not a demon and you’re still looking as one of the devil’s children, there’s only one option. You must be a witch.” I smile sweetly. Now we’re getting somewhere!

“I sure am,” I declare. “I am a Witch. So sue me.” The crowd is flabbergasted.

“Have you proof?” asks the priest. “We must make certain of it.”

“Oh I have proof,” I grin and pull the pentagram out from under my collar. “Right here.” I hold up my hand. “And here.” I proceed to show the baffled townspeople every last pentagram on my body, just to freak them out. So far I’ve done a good job. What a way to spend an afternoon! “And here, and here and here and I have one there but you don’t want to see it…”

“Enough!” the priest explodes. “I’ve heard enough from you, messenger of Satan!”

“Um, I don’t believe in Satan. He’s a Christian creation. You guys can keep him.” The priest looks confused. People behind him are talking amongst themselves.

“Be that as it may, Lucifer, we have ways of dealing with witches like yourself. You, young warlock, will be subjected to a horrible death.” Ha. Yeah right.

“I’m not a warlock,” I snap. The priest smacks me upside the head.

“Silence, warlock. Come with me.” He grabs me by the arm.

“Hey, watch the merchandise, jerkweed!” Then he knocked me out.

When I came to I was sitting on a platform in front of the entire town. Surprisingly I wasn’t bound or anything. Damn, these people really were stupid.

“Not so big now are you, warlock?” The priest is standing over me with a rope. I glare.

“I’m not a warlock,” I sneer. “And no, I’m not big. I’m 5’4. So shut up.”

“You certainly are a feisty one,” says the priest. “Too bad you’re going to be burned at the stake. Warlock.” You son of a bitch I’m a WITCH! Not a warlock! Get it right!

“No I’m not.” I smile sweetly. “You can’t burn me.”

“I can and will.”

“No you won’t.”

“Yes I will!”

“Will not.”Again, last famous words.

Well this SUCKS! Here I am, tied up on this stake with the entire town jeering at me. Think, Sully think! Do I look nervous? No. Am I nervous? You bet your ass I am! Hey, I know how to work a crowd, but this isn’t what I had in mind…

“Any last requests, warlock?” the priest is below me with a torch and a can of kerosene. Am I panicking? Yes, I am. Do I have a way out of this? Maybe---

“Could you tie these knots a little tighter? I might be able to slip out and escape.”

“Sully, you’re not that good of a witch. You may have powers, but nothing can save you now.” Hold up. I know you didn’t just imply that my powers are wussy! Oh that’s it. Just you wait till I--suddenly I look down and there’s a fire at the bottom of the stake. Well, this SUCKS! Ok, Sullycakes, don’t panic. This is just a minor setback. Just wait, the flames aren’t high enough yet. Still not--not yet--holy crap! Too high!! Shield shield shield--my aura is a force field--WHOA. This is nuts! This thing is burning up, but the flames aren’t touching me! The people are pissing their pants. Damn I’m good. Now to get out of here.

I summon all my powers and break free of the ropes, then float thru the air and flit to the ground. Priest boy is flipping out like he’s just seen Jesus, who just told him heaven was a mafia-run casino in Alabama. Oh yeah. Time for some revenge. I’m unscathed and smirking.

“By the way, father,” I say with a devilish grin. “What was that you were saying about me having no chance of escaping? That you were going to burn me, no questions about it?” The priest turns as white as a ghost. I smile. “How about I turn the tables on you?” People are starting to scatter and run. I close my eyes and press my palms together and when I open my eyes there’s a huge fireball forming between my hands. Wicked sweet! I get a devious look on my face. More people are running but Father Fuckstick is frozen in fear.

“Sully, let’s think about this--”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Cursed warlock.” Ok now I know you’re gonna get it. Fire races through my veins.

“I. Am. A. WITCH!!!” I let the fireball go. And then another, and then another just for good measure. Then all of a sudden my great plan started backfiring on me. All at once the big unruly mob was running straight for me. I really don’t have time to deal with this. Plus, Tony was probably worried sick. No one in their right mind could go for a walk in a parking lot for 4 hours. I close my eyes and begin to sing. “Make me believe, take me away from this hell I’ve created--” They calmed down. I keep it up. “I’m afraid, I’m breaking my own vows knowing I’ll go down in flames--” My melodic voice is entrancing them. They’re staring at me in awe. Time to break out the high notes. “Running in circles, confusion is calling my name, hiding inside of this poisoning madness again…” Oh yeah. They’re hooked. I pull out the strongest, prettiest note I can get out of my deep growling voice. “I’m tired, I’m broken, I’m walking along with the dead, will I ever feel like I once did--?” They’re hypnotized. They’re cheering and screaming. If I didn’t know better I’d think I was onstage! I close my eyes as a sudden rush overtakes me.

They still scream. When I open my eyes I’m onstage in Boston. “What the--”

“Dude, where ya been?” Tony was rattled. “You just disappeared. Where were you? When’d you get here?” I smile.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” The crowd cheers. As I look out over the audience I could swear I see a guy who looks just like Father Fuckstick, holding a rope and shaking his finger at me. Nah, it couldn’t be. Could it?!

The End..?